"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life"

Father God, thank you for the love of the truth you have given me. Please bless me with the wisdom, knowledge and discernment needed to always present the truth in an attitude of grace and love. Use this blog and Northwoods Ministries for your glory. Help us all to read and to study Your Word without preconceived notions, but rather, let scripture interpret scripture in the presence of the Holy Spirit. All praise to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Joel Osteen Ordered To Acquire Butcher’s License Due To Exegetical Methods

In the category of 'silliness' comes this little gem:



HOUSTON, TX—The Texas Department of State Health Services has issued an order to Joel Osteen, bestselling author and pastor of Lakewood Church, to acquire a butcher’s license in order to continue handling Scripture.

The department’s Meat Safety Assurance Unit was tipped off to a potential violation of the state’s health code, which prohibits individuals from butchering and mangling poultry, meats, and biblical passages for the public’s consumption without proper training and licensing. When a health inspector then performed a surprise undercover visit to Lakewood Church, sure enough, Osteen was in fact seen brutally slaughtering several passages—including Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 46:10a—without the proper licensing.

“Really we’re just crossing our T’s and dotting our I’s here,” Judd Grant, spokesperson for the inspection unit, told the Houston Chronicle. “It was clear from our observation of Mr. Osteen that he is in fact a skilled and experienced butcher of texts of all kinds. But rules are rules.”

Osteen is expected to comply with the request, and has already spoken victory over the licensing process according to the church’s Director of Positive Thinking.